What do these tourists think anyway?

So, the Shop is housed in, well, a house. A house that was built around 1940 so it’s kinda old, considering the recent housing boom and all. But, no, it’s not Colonial Olde or anything like that. So this woman walks in -- barges in really. Shoving her way around the rooms she says, “is this an Original house?” I give her that look like “uhm, are you from Mars?” Original. “No,” I want to say, “It’s a copy.” So I squint some more at her (what can I say, it was 4:00 and I’d about had it with wonky tourists asking dumb-ass questions). She repeats, like I’m the one with three heads (or no head at all), “is it, you know, Original.” I finally give up the who’s-dumber game and say, “well, it was built in the ‘40s.” With what I can only describe as a “haunting look” she stares me down then responds: “The 1840s?” She’s disgusted at my response.

Later, she tries to get back into my good graces by telling me she used to work in a tourist town. The Bahamas. As if we’re in this secret society together. Only she’s the wonky tourist this time out. What is it about tourists???? Do they not do their homework? Do they just fall back on Romantic stereotypes? To be fair, a couple shops over is, in fact, a former home that was built in the 1800s or whenever. I think it's a museum now. A museum that sells gifty-things. So I guess it’s not completely wonky to think our very 1940s-looking house was built a hundred years earlier. I guess.

I’ve had and heard worse. Each week I try to secretly award a “loser question of the week” prize. This week I have to say the prize goes to the woman who, when looking at a bunch of small rainbow-painted wooden bowls, bearing the “Made in Thailand” logo, asks: “What do you use these for?” I tell her, “Well, I use them for M&Ms but other people put nuts in them and some people use them for paper clips.” (Truth be told, I don't actually own one of these kind of crummy painted wooden bowls we order in bulk from the giant wholesale-to-kitchen-shops company. But if I did, I probably would fill them with M&Ms) “Oh!” she laughs, “I thought maybe you used them to grind peppers or something.” Yeah, that’s right, we sit on our mud floors grinding dried chile peppers in specially painted wooden bowls Made in Thailand. We’re just so exotic.

Holidays

It's that time of year again. Time when women of a certain age are wished a "Happy Mother's Day!" whether we like it or not. Whether we have kids or not. Whether, in fact, we are Mothers or not. I don't know if it's the P.C.-ness of the times or if I just reached that age. (You know, that time long after the kid who bags your groceries starts calling you "Ma'am.") I never used to be wished a "Happy Mother's Day!" Now, even if it's the week before Mother's Day, some well-meaning cashier at the local supermarket takes it upon herself to wish me something I don't really deserve to have wished upon me. Nor, honestly, do I want it heaped on me -- this reminder that I, being of a certain age, don't actually have any children and, given the increasing frequency of flashes of intense heat and waking up to find my hair, sheets and pillowcase are more than a little damp, (and, no, I didn't sleepwalk my way into the shower), am not going to have any of those imagined children. No. I'm not going to be a Mother. And no, I don't really appreciate the reminder.

I find it more than a bit ironic that Mother's Day, as we Hallmark it today, was "officially" created by a woman who, the Internet reveals, "had spent many years looking after her ailing mother. This is why she preferred to remain a spinster." Ah, she had a legit excuse.

Now I'm all for phoning my mom and even sending her a little trinket from the Shop. But I think it's a little rude and pushy to be wishing it on any female ...of a certain age. When is the starting age anyway? How do you figure that out? Do you dare wish it on a 20-something? Even if that is the "ideal" age, biologically. Aren't you taking a big risk, assuming a woman's age and then assuming she has kids? I notice guys don't wish it on me. No, just women. And I thought it was just women-with-kids. Mothers. Mothers who thought it was polite and kind to share the greeting. Share the day. As if it were mid-December when you can get away with a "Happy Holidays" that just about covers anyone. But then, I'm in the shop, (the Tuesday before Mother's Day) with Sally who works there when she's not off at the Ski Resort teaching wary ladies how to bunny hop down the slopes. Sally, it should be noted, is over 50 and has no kids. She's there at the shop to change the window (the window display hasn't been touched since before Thanksgiving). In walks another woman. In her 50s I'd guess but who can tell??? Anyway, as this potential-but-no-such-luck customer starts to leave, Sally grins wide and says "Happy Mother's Day!!!!"

Huh? Why, Sally, why?????? I guess Sally doesn't mind it when someone says it to her. Just being nice I guess. But I can't. I just can't. And I won't. And I'm really, really, glad I don't have to work on Mother's Day. And for sure I'm not going anywhere near a grocery store. In fact, I'm not leaving my house until it's over.